Ave Explores Series | Stress, Anxiety, and Mental Health | Week 3

Carrying the Cross of Infertility

by Carmen Santamaría

A recent Gospel reading at Mass reminded me of the stinging pain of infertility and how countless women throughout history have borne this trial. In Luke 1:25, St. Elizabeth says, “so has the Lord done for me at a time when he has seen fit to take away my disgrace before others.” There is deep pain evident in Elizabeth’s words. To be disgraced means to fall out of grace: there is an implication that she has fallen out of favor with God. This is a sentiment I can relate to regarding the infertility journey. My husband and I have faced eleven years of infertility, and during that time we have gone through many difficult moments. Infertility has been one of the most profound challenges our marriage has faced. 

The most exhausting and trying aspects of infertility are the moments of desperate prayer where you are begging, but it seems as if God is not listening. I remember praying fervently so often for the gift of a child and wondering what I had done to lose God’s favor when this prayer went unanswered month after month. I have heard it said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Infertility, at times, made me feel that I was bordering on insanity. We endured countless appointments with medical specialists and treatment options.

The mental health effect of infertility is an aspect of the journey that unfortunately gets overlooked all too often. Couples find themselves immersed in doctor’s appointments and tests but can neglect their mental and spiritual health. We sought the counsel of a Catholic psychologist at a particularly difficult part of the journey, as well as when we discerned adoption. Seeking out this treatment—in addition to medical interventions—proved invaluable as we faced many decisions and needed help navigating the mental strain infertility was causing. 

It is important, in our experience, that your mental health professional share your faith. This helped us specifically navigate infertility as a Catholic couple because our therapist never encouraged us to try treatments that went against the teachings of the Catholic Church. Instead, he challenged us as a couple in the light of our faith and encouraged us to stay the course and trust in God’s guidance, particularly as we adopted our younger children.

The pain and jealously have run deep. I remember hosting a shower for my sister-in-law at which there were five pregnant friends and family. It hurt so much to have them pose for a picture while I was barren. I have felt deep pain at the news of friends’ pregnancies, even friends who are “family.”  I never wanted them not to get pregnant but I wanted to join the celebration.

I have often felt I need to grow stronger in my relationship with the Holy Spirit and rely on him more, especially when I feel left out or “disgraced,” as St. Elizabeth did. Galatians 5:22-26 states: “In contrast, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. Now those who belong to Christ [Jesus] have crucified their flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also follow the Spirit. Let us not be conceited, provoking one another, envious of one another.”

Perhaps the most challenging of the Fruits of the Spirit for me is self-control. Ben & Jerry’s has an ice cream flavor called Chocolate Therapy that I think is very aptly named.  I purchased a pint during a particularly mentally trying time during my walk with infertility. This pint was all-too-quickly devoured by my husband and me during one of our late-night venting sessions. I recently heard that we should give God some time before opening the fridge door or picking up the mouse or remote. I am an emotional eater and often look for food to fill a void when I am down. I even tell myself it’s OK because of how hard a day I’ve had, for example. My growing waistline shows me that I should make a change, and my faith challenges me as well. I want to challenge you to let God fill that void that you feel at times since only he can truly bring you comfort. Hopefully, we can work on this together and learn to bring our concerns to our Father before resorting to any frozen “therapy” or any other outlets that aren’t the healthiest choices for us.

As many as 20 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Though this is not something I have personally experienced, I have walked this road with many friends. Many have shared how personal the experience and grief are and that it is different for each couple. The common thread among them, though, seems to be that knowing they were not alone made a huge difference. Some of the stigma of sharing miscarriage experiences seems to have dissipated in recent years, and more and more people are discussing the grief and pain that comes with their loss. As people of faith who know life begins at the moment of conception, the loss of a family member is real, and the pain can be profound. For those who also have struggled with infertility prior to miscarriage, the despair and loss of hope can make it seem like such a low blow from God. However, knowing there is a little intercessor in heaven for the family and that they all will meet someday gives peace to many.

St. Elizabeth’s reflection in the Gospel also shows hope and endurance. Infertility is something you endure and God’s grace, through the Holy Spirit, makes it possible for us to endure it. Romans 5:3-5 says, “…but we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the holy Spirit that has been given to us.”

Download this article as a PDF here.

Carmen Santamaría is an attorney and the coauthor of The Infertility Companion for Catholics.

If you are in crisis or you think you may have an emergency, call your doctor or 911 immediately. If you're having suicidal thoughts, dial 988 to talk to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area at any time (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline). If you are located outside the United States, call your local emergency line immediately.

With the help of professionals and those who have struggled with stress, anxiety, and other mental health issues, we’re offering insights, resources, and suggestions for a path to healing and a road to hope in the midst of dark and scary times.

Based on Your Reading

Mary Is There During Our Grief by Leticia Ochoa Adams	Healing is Essential by Bob Schuchts	A Tender Strength by Timothy P. O’Malley	Learning from Our Lady to Live with Grief by Mary Lenaburg